Fears That Support Resistance To Change

The anxiety that's often behind our fear of change can create other more specific fears that support resistance to doing anything new. Many of these operate in our lives and you might recognise one or more working in yours:

• Fear of the unknown: uncertainty about the future...
  
  
• Fear of failure: anxiety about not getting things right. The best way to avoid the pain of failing is not to do anything at all.

• Fear of success: "Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."
  

• Fear of loss: Change is often associated with loss in some way. And this usually ties in with our values.
  
  
• Fear of upsetting others: When you change it is likely to affect others. Of course, this can be positive. But often we see this as negative.
  

• Fear of leaving a comfort zone: Hmmm. We do like our routines and don't like to be faced with uncertainty.
  

So if you've identified a specific fear of change that blocks you, what now? Well, now you have something you can work with. Start by discovering more about these fears and then challenge them.

Do a reality test. This is important because fears work best if they don't allow us to see the whole truth. If it's 'fear of failure' that's stopping you, spend some time exploring what failure means to you. Change your definition of failure. In what ways can you 'fail' if you do this thing? Is that really failure?

Best of all, speak to someone who can help you explore these issues.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Exposing Fear Of Change

Fear of change is subtle. It operates under the radar convincing you that it's there to protect you and keep you safe.

In reality, fear of change is one of the most common reasons for resistance to change because it stops you taking any action at all.

Anxiety stops us taking action in our lives and makes us resist change by stirring up fears of what is not known.

While some anxiety is useful and can motivate us there are times when anxiety about something new can severely limit us.

Especially if there's uncertainty about the future.

High levels of anxiety are often brought about by

• rumours about change,
  
• self doubt,
  
• uncertainty,
  
• disregard for values

-and these can be crippling.

Identifying and addressing these issues as they affect you or others can reduce anxiety.

Often a good reality check can be very helpful too. Making time to find out if the rumours are true might relieve a lot of unnecessary anxiety, for example.

Find out more about fear of change and get insight into how it may be operating in your life, or in the lives of colleagues or groups at work. In most cases fear of change is responsible for any resistance to change you are experiencing.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

How To Start a Business From Scratch

One of the biggest changes we can make in our lives is starting a new business, whether online or offline.

And there's no real way to practice before we take the plunge.

If it's the first time you're doing this then there is a huge learning curve, and lots of risks you should be aware of.

One of my mentors, Peter Carruthers, is presenting an online seminar (webinar) aimed to remove ALL the risk from your startup.

Here's the info:

Peter Carruthers talks about how to take all the risk out of starting your own business, whether offline or online. It's interactive. It's online. And it should be fun. Ah yes, and did I mention it is free?

Title: How To Start a Business From Scratch
Date: Thursday, August 6, 2009
Time: 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM CAT

After registering you will receive a confirmation email containing information about joining the Webinar.

System Requirements
PC-based attendees
Required: Windows® 2000, XP Home, XP Pro, 2003 Server, Vista
Macintosh®-based attendees
Required: Mac OS® X 10.4 (Tiger®) or newer

Space is limited.
Reserve your Webinar seat now at:
https://www1.gotomeeting.com/register/465161553

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Meaningful Change Needs Positive Self-Esteem

One of the issues that often limits our ability to make meaningful change in our lives is poor self-esteem. Often we know what needs to be done, but feel held back by forces beyond our control. Sometimes we have no idea what these forces are.

Poor self-esteem has the ability to halt any movement towards positive change, paving that proverbial road with good intentions.

In response to a question from a client I recently re-discovered a passage from a book called "Dare" by Gary Leboff. He notes that most people suffer from appalling self esteem and that self esteem and self confidence are entirely unrelated.

He says:
"...self confidence is a relationship of trust between 'you' and 'you', it is about knowing you can rely on yourself in times of stress or challenge. Self confidence can be increased through money or power or achievement. It can also be faked by astute use of tone of voice or body language.

Self esteem runs deeper. Self esteem is the extent to which you admire, appreciate and take care of yourself. This is not about vanity or narcissism. Standing in front of a mirror for hours will have no impact at all on your self esteem. This is about self worth, a deep-rooted sense of personal integrity and value. Self-esteem cannot be faked. You cannot lie to yourself - at least, not about this."

"Building self-esteem needs to start by recognising where you've come from. That place is often ugly, fraught with disaster and seasoned with a generous helping of trauma. Only by facing up to these issues and coming out on the other side can meaningful self-esteem begin to take root."

This was a great reminder to me that it's time to read this book again. Also that knowing, accepting and owning who I am and my values is a necessary part of allowing me to be flexible enough to negotiate life and change.

What can you do if you feel self esteem is holding you back?

1. Talk to someone, a professional if necessary, about this. Be guided on your path.
2. Take time to discover your skills, abilities and values. Here's some help...
3. Read Stephen Covey's 7 Habits and start integrating these into your life.
4. Take a weekend break on your own or with those you love. Take time to be honest with yourself about where you are heading.
5. Do something you've been putting off for a while. Then reward yourself when it's done.
6. Create a phrase that you can repeat to yourself often. Example "I am a valuable and wonderful person with lots to give to others". Even if you don't believe it right now, just repeat it as often as you can. (PS. Say something like this to your children every day).
   
7. Spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself. Cultivate friendships with those who build you up.

Ok, I'll stop there, but there are many things you can do. This is a journey, so take small steps and begin to build your self esteem.

I'd be interested in your experience with this or your comments/questions. Here's to you and all you can be.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Resume Writing Tips

Today I spent time with four people who have been told that due to restructuring they no longer have a job. One of these people has worked for the company for 17 years. These are tough times that force us to think in very different ways in order to survive.

When last did you review your resume? Do you have one? I've recently been very surprised at the number of people I've met who have never needed a CV. It proves the power of 'who you know' or, at least, word of mouth marketing.

These are a few thoughts about your resume that I've recently posted on my website.

Marketing Tool...or Autobiography?

One problem with writing a resume is that it's really hard to write about yourself. When we do we either don't sell ourselves enough (usually the case) or we lay it on too thick.

I really do hope you will get to write your autobiography, but I'm sorry to tell you that this is not that time! To write your resume you have to think about yourself as a product.

Think carefully about your 'special features' and who you want to notice and buy the product. Your resume needs to tell prospective employers what the product can do for them and why they should have it.

This means you should focus on the employers needs, not yours.

I recently talked to someone in car sales about this and he really helped me 'get it'. He told me that a car he sells will have a basic set of key features.

Just telling people what these are gives him, let's say, a 1 in 20 chance of selling a car.

These odds are hugely improved when he takes a little more time to assess and listen to the person on the sales floor. Then he tells them about those same features in ways that matter to them.

So, for example, an electric window is a key feature. To a mom wanting a car that will also transport children an electric window is not going to be the reason she buys the car.

Telling her about the "anti-pinch" safety mechanism that stops the window if fingers get in the way when it closes is more likely to make the sale. Same feature, different emphasis.

So, what are your key features? One of the best resume writing tips is to make sure you turn your key features into something valuable for the company you are selling yourself to.

This means you must do your homework on the company and the position advertised. And don't market the same key features to every company you apply to!

You can read my Top Ten Resume writing Tips here.

Change and Mental Health

I'm sure you've heard that the World Health Organisation (WHO) defines health as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity. Did you know this definition was introduced in 1948 and has never been changed? It's not really relevant to this, but now you've got something clever to say in polite conversation!

What is relevant is that mental health is also not merely the absence of dis-ease, or stress. Good mental health is the presence of emotional and psychological capabilities in our lives that allow us to deal with stress or the effects of dis-ease.

Mental health and emotional well-being is essential for change.

If we are stressed or dis-eased, dealing with change becomes difficult, or even impossible. In fact, the prospect of change can often be very revealing about a person's mental health. It's understandable that people facing change cycle through normal coping or defense mechanisms regarding the change. However, coping with change is very difficult for someone who has not built good mental health.

To ensure that you are well equipped to deal with change it is essential to continue to build good mental health. It's not something you do once and forget about. Good mental health is a life journey that we practice every day.

The emotional and psychological capabilities we need to manage change include:

• Resilience: the ability to positively adjust to, or 'bounce back' from, the effects of adversity, change, stress or trauma.


• Balance in life: this usually requires a focus on SELF, FAMILY, WORK, and SOCIETY or COMMUNITY. Here are some great ideas to help you manage your work life balance.


• Flexibility: as a surfer we need to exercise our emotional 'muscles' so that we are ready for change and willing to move and be flexible in order to remain standing. I've put some more thoughts about this here. "The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you refuse to take the turn" - Anon.

Polite conversation may not include asking about someone else's mental health. But it's good to be aware of your own, and to continue building in these areas.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Reclaim Control Of Your Emotions

There is a story about a swimming pool salesman who was turned down after giving his best sales pitch to a client. ‘Thank-you’ he said, smiling broadly and obviously very happy.

‘Why are you so happy?’ asked the client. ‘I didn’t buy a pool from you.’ ‘That’s right,’ said the salesman. ‘But 1 out of every 10 people do. You were the 9th person to turn me down today, which means the next person I speak to will buy a pool from me.’

This salesman could have reacted differently and been despondent and depressed that he didn’t make the sale, which would also have affected his ability to make further sales.

Instead, he recognises that he is responsible for his own feelings and is able to manage his emotions effectively.

Emotional intelligence is a choice you make. You can allow an emotion to direct your actions and thoughts, or you can choose to direct your actions and thoughts in a different way using your awareness of the emotion.

(excerpt from my published book "Emotional Intelligence and Leadership" - 2007)

It's a simple thought for this post. How do you react when things aren't going quite the way you hope? Are you happy with this?

Take some time to think about how you react to different areas of your life. Which areas of your life have power over your emotions - the way you feel? If you're not happy with this ongoing relationship then you can change it.

When you are aware of your emotions you can begin to manage them. Make a different choice. Instead of being a slave to an emotion make a conscious choice to try something different.

Visualise something you really want, or just choose to to take a stand against the emotion you don't want. Create a phrase: "I see you there and I know what you want". Move it aside and replace it with a more desired emotion. Try it out. It takes practice. But don't give up too soon.

Reclaiming control over your emotions can literally change your life.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Don't Freeze

This morning I read a note from Tony Robbins in which he says that while people are calling this time a financial crisis, it is also a psychological crisis. I guess it all comes back to the way that we respond to our money (or lack of it).

If you are running your own business you're likely to have noticed that companies you depended on are cutting back on expenses. The reason you've noticed is that your income is directly affected! So you fight harder to get what is owing to you, and start wondering what you need to do differently.

I don't think this is a time for doing more of what we've done before. Kurt Lewin wrote about the need to Unfreeze, to open our minds to change, before we can start doing anything differently. This is not easy as it feels much safer to carry on doing the things that have worked before.

This financial/psychological crisis is forcing many of us to consider change, in our business and in our personal lives. This really is a tremendous opportunity to move into a different future. Maybe this is a time to begin doing something you've known you need to do for a long time?

Don't ignore the call for change. Accept it, embrace it and then move forward with it in small steps if necessary. Work on unfreezing yourself first. The rest will follow.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Get The Balance Right

After enjoying fame as a Depeche Mode lyric 'Get the balance right' has been the standard chant of Employee Assistance Programs and corporate wellbeing advisers since the 1990's. As organisations pushed harder and demanded more someone realised that Vitamin B12 injections weren't going to hack it on their own as the organisational Gummi Berry Juice.

To counter the effects of working 8 to 5 (commuting excluded) plus overtime to prove commitment, in a sick-air office with no windows, frazzled employees were told to get a life. Literally.

Not that it's bad advice. Actually it's quite good. Balance the stress of work with an equal measure of ...well, other stuff. Like family and fun and hobbies and exercise and time-out and beach walks and movies and friends and sport and...

People react badly when I tell them about this. Often they laugh at me. Then they get angry as they tell me about working from 8 to 5, the hour it takes them to get home (if they're lucky), and then the 2nd job of cooking food, doing homework, supper, baths and bed; putting on the washing, cleaning up, stroking the partner, stroking the pet, before finally crash landing in
bed ...to... prepare...the...body...to...get up at 5.30am to make the breakfast, make the lunches, peck the partner, peck the kids, smile politely at the other idiots using the road, and commute back to work, arriving just in time to pick up the brochure on work life balance (and get the B12 injection).

When the Bleep! is there time for work life balance?

I've met a lot of employees who ignore this advice - in hospitals and clinics. The word Burnout is usually somewhere in their medical file. It's then that they get it. They have to make changes to their lifestyle. It's like the light is switched on. Trouble is, just picking up the pieces to see if they fit together feels like a mammoth task.

Work life balance is an individual achievement. You do what's best for you. Don't wait until you are forced to make changes. Take responsibility now.

I've added essential work life balance information to my web pages, including Curly's Finger, my favourite guide to help you decide what's most important in your life. Take a moment and add a meaningful dimension to your life.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Life & Business Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Hope Is A Better Choice Than Fear

I've always struggled to tell people that they should think positively. It just doesn't seem to be very original. And it's a bit dismissive. Imagine consulting a professional with your woes and they turn to you and say "you've got to think positively". Yeah, right!

Don't get me wrong though. I do believe in the power of positive thought. It's just that I like to work with people to discover HOW to start thinking in this way, and then maintaining it.

It's so easy to find the problems, the negatives, the fears, the things that are wrong, and why it won't work. We're brought up to be problem solvers.

We think we're being positive when we say "Every problem has a solution". But we're not really. Mostly because we first have to focus on the problem, analyse it, and get to know it well, before we try and find something different. A solution.

Every cloud may have a silver lining, but we have to see the cloud first before we begin to search for the silver lining. And focusing on the cloud, or the problem, or the negativity inevitably affects what we find.

So, while acknowledging the existence of problems and negativity, learning to focus first on what is good and working well - the positive stuff - can really open up a new world of meaning.

We're not used to doing this, and we often dismiss the value of doing it. But we can learn to start by developing our self awareness, the first part of Emotional Intelligence.

Barbara Frederickson believes we're investing in our future by taking the time to learn "positivity". And she's not alone. There is a large and growing school of positive psychology supporting this thinking.

Take a moment now and listen to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, discussing her new book, "Positivity" that focuses on what positivity is. I haven't read it, and I don't get anything for directing you to this video. But I'm positive you'll get something new to think about!

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Life & Business Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Good Things Don't Go Away

Remember some of those 80's songs that keep coming back to haunt you? I do. I loved them when they were new, and I smile when I hear them being sung by new bands. It's just more evidence that they knew how to write good music back then. And then I listen to new songs today and wonder which of them will be around in 25 years time. Which of these modern artists will still be strutting their stuff in 25 years time?

I think it's a sign of good things if they don't go away. Music, people, movies... some just hang around while others fade. It's the good bottles of red wine that I struggle to hang on to though. They have a nasty knack of disappearing way too quickly!

I've been spending some time with someone who finds himself fitting into this category. I've taken some time off and revisited an old classic that's as popular and relevant now as it was 20 years ago. You'd never believe it, but The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is 20 years old this year. I dusted it off and found myself 'listening' to an old classic that's just as good today.

Stephen Covey is still the author. It hasn't been remade new-school style. It's still the same tune. And it sounds as good today as it did many years ago.

The main points made in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People are the compass we need when we are going through change. Be it personal or organizational change.

I do find Stephen Covey quite difficult to read at times. He does tend to go into a lot of detail and then I lose concentration. So I summarised the importants bits for myself and then decided to give it away on my website. You're welcome to read it through here. Maybe you'll think about reading the book again yourself.

You should. It's full of wisdom.

The good things don't go away.

Mark Connelly - Change Managment Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town