Meaningful Change Needs Positive Self-Esteem

One of the issues that often limits our ability to make meaningful change in our lives is poor self-esteem. Often we know what needs to be done, but feel held back by forces beyond our control. Sometimes we have no idea what these forces are.

Poor self-esteem has the ability to halt any movement towards positive change, paving that proverbial road with good intentions.

In response to a question from a client I recently re-discovered a passage from a book called "Dare" by Gary Leboff. He notes that most people suffer from appalling self esteem and that self esteem and self confidence are entirely unrelated.

He says:
"...self confidence is a relationship of trust between 'you' and 'you', it is about knowing you can rely on yourself in times of stress or challenge. Self confidence can be increased through money or power or achievement. It can also be faked by astute use of tone of voice or body language.

Self esteem runs deeper. Self esteem is the extent to which you admire, appreciate and take care of yourself. This is not about vanity or narcissism. Standing in front of a mirror for hours will have no impact at all on your self esteem. This is about self worth, a deep-rooted sense of personal integrity and value. Self-esteem cannot be faked. You cannot lie to yourself - at least, not about this."

"Building self-esteem needs to start by recognising where you've come from. That place is often ugly, fraught with disaster and seasoned with a generous helping of trauma. Only by facing up to these issues and coming out on the other side can meaningful self-esteem begin to take root."

This was a great reminder to me that it's time to read this book again. Also that knowing, accepting and owning who I am and my values is a necessary part of allowing me to be flexible enough to negotiate life and change.

What can you do if you feel self esteem is holding you back?

1. Talk to someone, a professional if necessary, about this. Be guided on your path.
2. Take time to discover your skills, abilities and values. Here's some help...
3. Read Stephen Covey's 7 Habits and start integrating these into your life.
4. Take a weekend break on your own or with those you love. Take time to be honest with yourself about where you are heading.
5. Do something you've been putting off for a while. Then reward yourself when it's done.
6. Create a phrase that you can repeat to yourself often. Example "I am a valuable and wonderful person with lots to give to others". Even if you don't believe it right now, just repeat it as often as you can. (PS. Say something like this to your children every day).
   
7. Spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself. Cultivate friendships with those who build you up.

Ok, I'll stop there, but there are many things you can do. This is a journey, so take small steps and begin to build your self esteem.

I'd be interested in your experience with this or your comments/questions. Here's to you and all you can be.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town