Reclaim Control Of Your Emotions

There is a story about a swimming pool salesman who was turned down after giving his best sales pitch to a client. ‘Thank-you’ he said, smiling broadly and obviously very happy.

‘Why are you so happy?’ asked the client. ‘I didn’t buy a pool from you.’ ‘That’s right,’ said the salesman. ‘But 1 out of every 10 people do. You were the 9th person to turn me down today, which means the next person I speak to will buy a pool from me.’

This salesman could have reacted differently and been despondent and depressed that he didn’t make the sale, which would also have affected his ability to make further sales.

Instead, he recognises that he is responsible for his own feelings and is able to manage his emotions effectively.

Emotional intelligence is a choice you make. You can allow an emotion to direct your actions and thoughts, or you can choose to direct your actions and thoughts in a different way using your awareness of the emotion.

(excerpt from my published book "Emotional Intelligence and Leadership" - 2007)

It's a simple thought for this post. How do you react when things aren't going quite the way you hope? Are you happy with this?

Take some time to think about how you react to different areas of your life. Which areas of your life have power over your emotions - the way you feel? If you're not happy with this ongoing relationship then you can change it.

When you are aware of your emotions you can begin to manage them. Make a different choice. Instead of being a slave to an emotion make a conscious choice to try something different.

Visualise something you really want, or just choose to to take a stand against the emotion you don't want. Create a phrase: "I see you there and I know what you want". Move it aside and replace it with a more desired emotion. Try it out. It takes practice. But don't give up too soon.

Reclaiming control over your emotions can literally change your life.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Don't Freeze

This morning I read a note from Tony Robbins in which he says that while people are calling this time a financial crisis, it is also a psychological crisis. I guess it all comes back to the way that we respond to our money (or lack of it).

If you are running your own business you're likely to have noticed that companies you depended on are cutting back on expenses. The reason you've noticed is that your income is directly affected! So you fight harder to get what is owing to you, and start wondering what you need to do differently.

I don't think this is a time for doing more of what we've done before. Kurt Lewin wrote about the need to Unfreeze, to open our minds to change, before we can start doing anything differently. This is not easy as it feels much safer to carry on doing the things that have worked before.

This financial/psychological crisis is forcing many of us to consider change, in our business and in our personal lives. This really is a tremendous opportunity to move into a different future. Maybe this is a time to begin doing something you've known you need to do for a long time?

Don't ignore the call for change. Accept it, embrace it and then move forward with it in small steps if necessary. Work on unfreezing yourself first. The rest will follow.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Get The Balance Right

After enjoying fame as a Depeche Mode lyric 'Get the balance right' has been the standard chant of Employee Assistance Programs and corporate wellbeing advisers since the 1990's. As organisations pushed harder and demanded more someone realised that Vitamin B12 injections weren't going to hack it on their own as the organisational Gummi Berry Juice.

To counter the effects of working 8 to 5 (commuting excluded) plus overtime to prove commitment, in a sick-air office with no windows, frazzled employees were told to get a life. Literally.

Not that it's bad advice. Actually it's quite good. Balance the stress of work with an equal measure of ...well, other stuff. Like family and fun and hobbies and exercise and time-out and beach walks and movies and friends and sport and...

People react badly when I tell them about this. Often they laugh at me. Then they get angry as they tell me about working from 8 to 5, the hour it takes them to get home (if they're lucky), and then the 2nd job of cooking food, doing homework, supper, baths and bed; putting on the washing, cleaning up, stroking the partner, stroking the pet, before finally crash landing in
bed ...to... prepare...the...body...to...get up at 5.30am to make the breakfast, make the lunches, peck the partner, peck the kids, smile politely at the other idiots using the road, and commute back to work, arriving just in time to pick up the brochure on work life balance (and get the B12 injection).

When the Bleep! is there time for work life balance?

I've met a lot of employees who ignore this advice - in hospitals and clinics. The word Burnout is usually somewhere in their medical file. It's then that they get it. They have to make changes to their lifestyle. It's like the light is switched on. Trouble is, just picking up the pieces to see if they fit together feels like a mammoth task.

Work life balance is an individual achievement. You do what's best for you. Don't wait until you are forced to make changes. Take responsibility now.

I've added essential work life balance information to my web pages, including Curly's Finger, my favourite guide to help you decide what's most important in your life. Take a moment and add a meaningful dimension to your life.

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Life & Business Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Hope Is A Better Choice Than Fear

I've always struggled to tell people that they should think positively. It just doesn't seem to be very original. And it's a bit dismissive. Imagine consulting a professional with your woes and they turn to you and say "you've got to think positively". Yeah, right!

Don't get me wrong though. I do believe in the power of positive thought. It's just that I like to work with people to discover HOW to start thinking in this way, and then maintaining it.

It's so easy to find the problems, the negatives, the fears, the things that are wrong, and why it won't work. We're brought up to be problem solvers.

We think we're being positive when we say "Every problem has a solution". But we're not really. Mostly because we first have to focus on the problem, analyse it, and get to know it well, before we try and find something different. A solution.

Every cloud may have a silver lining, but we have to see the cloud first before we begin to search for the silver lining. And focusing on the cloud, or the problem, or the negativity inevitably affects what we find.

So, while acknowledging the existence of problems and negativity, learning to focus first on what is good and working well - the positive stuff - can really open up a new world of meaning.

We're not used to doing this, and we often dismiss the value of doing it. But we can learn to start by developing our self awareness, the first part of Emotional Intelligence.

Barbara Frederickson believes we're investing in our future by taking the time to learn "positivity". And she's not alone. There is a large and growing school of positive psychology supporting this thinking.

Take a moment now and listen to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, discussing her new book, "Positivity" that focuses on what positivity is. I haven't read it, and I don't get anything for directing you to this video. But I'm positive you'll get something new to think about!

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Life & Business Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Good Things Don't Go Away

Remember some of those 80's songs that keep coming back to haunt you? I do. I loved them when they were new, and I smile when I hear them being sung by new bands. It's just more evidence that they knew how to write good music back then. And then I listen to new songs today and wonder which of them will be around in 25 years time. Which of these modern artists will still be strutting their stuff in 25 years time?

I think it's a sign of good things if they don't go away. Music, people, movies... some just hang around while others fade. It's the good bottles of red wine that I struggle to hang on to though. They have a nasty knack of disappearing way too quickly!

I've been spending some time with someone who finds himself fitting into this category. I've taken some time off and revisited an old classic that's as popular and relevant now as it was 20 years ago. You'd never believe it, but The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is 20 years old this year. I dusted it off and found myself 'listening' to an old classic that's just as good today.

Stephen Covey is still the author. It hasn't been remade new-school style. It's still the same tune. And it sounds as good today as it did many years ago.

The main points made in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People are the compass we need when we are going through change. Be it personal or organizational change.

I do find Stephen Covey quite difficult to read at times. He does tend to go into a lot of detail and then I lose concentration. So I summarised the importants bits for myself and then decided to give it away on my website. You're welcome to read it through here. Maybe you'll think about reading the book again yourself.

You should. It's full of wisdom.

The good things don't go away.

Mark Connelly - Change Managment Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

Invitation to Participate - Prosci's 2009 Change Management Benchmarking Study

Prosci and the Change Management Learning Center announced the launch of the worldwide 2009 Best Practices in Change Management study. Based on past performance, more than 400 organizations from 59 countries are expected to participate.

"The 2009 study will be one of the most comprehensive benchmarking studies in the world on managing the people side of change," states Jeff Hiatt, CEO of Prosci. "The purpose of this research study is to determine the ingredients for successful change in business and government."

Participation in the benchmarking study is free and open to anyone currently involved in a major change initiative or having recently completed a change project. Participants must be change sponsors or change leaders on the project. Participants will receive a complimentary copy of the final published report.

The study is available as of December 2nd, 2008 and will run for six weeks. Participation is on a first-come, first-served basis. To learn more about participating in Prosci's 2009 Benchmarking study, please email changemanagement@prosci.com or go to www.change-management.com/cm-study-2009.htm .

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town

What's possible in your life?

If your heart was to stop beating medics might plunge a long needle into your heart to inject adrenalin and get it going again. Sometimes in life we just need that shot in the arm, or a kick on the backside to get us going.

I'm no medic. In fact it was 'Pulp Fiction' that reminded me of the adrenalin injection to the heart. Hardly ER or even Gray's Anatomy! I know that many of us reach a place of despondancy and hopelessness in our lives - when the way forward is not clear and the change that's needed is just too much. I know because I've been there. Drastic action is required. A shot of adrenalin to the heart.

When it's fear and uncertainty that stop us it's not adrenalin that's needed. It's inspiration. Inspiration - an interesting word that's defined as 'the act of breathing in'. Other words with the same sort of meaning include arousal, awakening, brainstorm, creativity, elevation, encouragement, enthusiasm, exaltation, illumination, impulse, incentive, insight, motivation, revelation, spark, stimulation, and vision. You get the idea.

I was recently introduced to a video of a musician by the name of Tony Melendez. In fact I'm not going to tell you about it. I'd rather you watched it yourself.



When you've seen the video you may want to find out more about Tony Melendez here (see his performance with the Pope!)

I've seen and heard many inspiring people before. I'm sure you have too. People who have endured great hardship and get to tell the tale. In this case the injection of inspiration includes a stimulant called 'hope'. When I see how other people live in the same world I inhabit, and find ways to make it work, it gives me hope that anything is possible. Even Elisabeth Kubler-Ross included hope in her five stage model of change. This hope is the belief that there will be a positive end to the change and that there is some meaning that will eventually be learned from the experience. Hope is essential in times of change. Hope can give us the inspiration that change in our life is possible. That life is possible.

And I'd far rather watch Tony Melendez than get a kick in the backside. Or a needle to my heart, thank you!

Mark Connelly - Change Management Coach, Business & Life Coach, Psychologist - Cape Town